In-laws

Tonight, I took the kids to my in-laws. They hadn’t seen them in a while and asked if they could spend the night. Stephen had to work so I took them out there. I hadn’t planned on staying too long. I was going to drop them off come home, soak in the bathtub, lounge around-you get the idea. But my mother-in-law and I started talking and we just fell into conversation. We usually do, but tonight I really enjoyed it. And to be honest the more I thought about the more I didn’t want to come home to an empty house, the dogs are here but sometimes that’s just not the same.

I didn’t really think much of it until I was on the way home. I have thought about this before, but I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws. It has been so easy since day one. I remember how welcoming they were. How they opened their arms and their home to me. I didn’t live at home when I met my husband, so getting invited almost every night to a home cooked meal was incredible. My MIL  and I instantly hit it off because we had at least one thing in common at the time-running. One of our (my husband and I’s) first few dates was a 24 hour run. I loved getting invited to go running with her and her group of friends and my sister-in-laws.  

I know there a lot of people out there who don’t have the best relationships with their in-laws. Who can’t be with them if their spouse isn’t with them. I am so thankful for the relationship we have. That I can go over there and hang out with them for hours and my husband not have to be there. I am thankful that we are able to go running together and carry on easy conversation. I know I am not her child, but she treats me like her own. I am thankful that I can be around them and that I enjoy it. The old saying when you marry someone, you marry the family. I think some of that is true. And I’m ok with it. I feel blessed to have gotten the in-laws I did.

The Biggest Loser.

I was reading and watching, catching up on the news as I really don’t get to watch TV all that much anymore. All over it was about Rachel from The Biggest Loser, who just won. A show that is about losing weight (obviously). But now they are bashing Rachel for losing TOO much weight. Throwing around words like anorexia. I’m sorry, but coming from someone who has been there, done that, that is NOT a word you throw around loosely. She went in weighing 260 pounds and lost 155, she lost 59.62% of her body weight. There are so many comments about how sickly she looks and how she is unhealthy and on and on and on. I highly doubt any of these comments are coming from people who know Rachel on a personal level, who are with her on a daily basis. It infuriates me to read such comments. You don’t know her, you don’t see what she eats every day and you don’t know what type of exercise or how much she is doing. What gives people the right to comment on how skinny she is? You wouldn't tell someone they were too fat, would you? Why does it make it ok when you are talking about someone being too skinny? When I was at my smallest, I had people tell me I was too thin and it hurt to hear that-whether it was true or not, it hurt. Or "Go eat a cheeseburger". You wouldn't say "go eat some celery" to an overweight person would you? I just don't understand why people think it's ok to put down others regardless: skinny, overweight, tall, short, blind, deaf, black, purple or white. We all have feelings that get hurt.

If you can’t tell, this is something that just gets under my skin. There is no difference in criticizing someone for being too fat or too skinny. There’s none. Skinny people have feelings too.

We don’t know if she lost all of the weight in an unhealthy manner. We can’t be so quick to judge and to jump on the anorexia blaming bandwagon. We are in NO place to judge anyone. I don’t think anyone would want to be treated the way she is being treated and talked about.

Just think before speak. Know the facts before you speak. 

Our family of 5 will be complete

Last week, I read another mom’s blog about The Ache. In Which I am Learning To Live With The Ache. by Sarah Bessey and I love her for it. I agree with everything she wrote 100%. http://www.mops.org/in-which-i-am-learning-to-live-with-the-ache

My husband and I have been talking for several weeks now about not having any more children. Baby C will be our last baby. The thought of it makes me hurt sometimes. Putting it down on paper, makes me feel so guilty. But then again, we know it is what is best for our family. Like Sarah said, the thought of never carrying a child within me, never nursing a sweet baby (of course after Baby C is done breastfeeding), never smelling the sweet smell only a newborn has, the ever so cute gummy smiles (my absolute favorite), those sleepless nights, a newborn falling asleep on your chest because that is the only way he or she will sleep well, getting up multiple times a night to feed, all of these things and SO many more, I will truly miss. Yes, even those sleepless nights. I love being pregnant, feeling the kicks and punches from the inside, being so uncomfortable you are just ready to get the baby out of you feeling will forever be missed. It brings tears to my eyes that these will be the last of the newborn treasures. BUT I cherish all of the milestones our children have hit and look forward to all of the future ones. It is so incredibly bittersweet. I absolutely love watching my children grow and become more independent. We are able to carry on a conversation with our oldest and it feels like yesterday she fit perfectly in my arms or on my chest. I love the age my two now are at, but I miss them being babies, needing their mommy 24/7. We both look forward to starting a new “journey” in our life. No more babies for us. Our family of 5 will be complete.

A part of me feels selfish for doing this. But we talked and we would be selfish if we had more. All you moms and dads know just how expensive children are and heaven knows we are not wealthy. Stopping at 3 is just what is best. We know we will be able to provide a better life for the 3 of them. I know one doesn't seem to make much difference, but it really does.

Another reason I feel selfish and guilty is because I am so ready to have my body back. Like I said before I love being pregnant, it brings on a different feel of sexy, but I have been pregnant for about 28 months in the last 4 years (48 months) 2010-2014. Yes, I know we did this all on our own. But it has been a repeating cycle: pregnant, breastfeed, get pregnant, breastfeed, etc, etc. I want to enjoy my body. I want to work hard for my body and my muscles and be able to keep them. My favorite thing to do (besides spending time with my family) is to run and work out. Don’t get me wrong I have still been doing that during this pregnancy but it is just not the same when you’re pregnant. Sometimes I feel like all of my hard work is for nothing. I see little improvement in my legs and arms and I know I am healthy and fit (for a preggo) but I want to see my ab muscles, the definition, feel the burn from an amazing workout, and the soreness the next two days, the accomplishment of completing an intense workout because let's face it at 36 weeks pregnant your workouts are not extremely strenuous. I want to get lean and fit and stay that way. I want to be able to train for races and not have to worry about getting pregnant (it has happened twice so far). I want to work towards a six pack that I have never had before. I want to be fitter than I ever have been in my life. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish, mark of my list that I really haven't been able to do with three back to back pregnancies. My husband told me I wasn't being selfish for thinking this way and I try to tell myself I’m not. But that little bit of doubt is just eating away at me. I hope one day I’ll be able to see it differently.

We know this is what our family needs. I just hope The Ache will one day get easier.

Life Inside

Yesterday we did maternity/family pictures. I highly recommend to women who are pregnant to have maternity pictures done. I know they are a little costly, but you could even have family or friends do them.

With a growing belly, hormones changing every day and many of the other things that go along with pregnancy, sometimes it's hard to feel sexy in your own skin. Sometimes it's hard to look at yourself in the mirror as each day, each week you are getting a little bigger. Let's face it, things change and shift when you become pregnant....and they don't always go back to where they belong. So feeling comfortable and sexy in your own skin, may not come as often as it used to.

Yesterday, I felt so incredibly sexy, beautiful, fierce, glamorous, all of the things you can imagine. I could have taken thousands of pictures. I didn't want the day to end. It was an hour or so of just focusing on my beautiful growing belly. Of the child growing inside of me. I have never felt more beautiful. I had my hair and make up done by a sweet talented friend who also did our pictures. She captured so many moments I will treasure forever. 

I recommend doing maternity pictures because 9 months may seem like eternity when we are expecting but in reality it is only a blip of our life. They are just a few months out of our entire lifetime. I love looking back on past maternity pictures we had done and am always mesmerized at how beautiful growing a little human being inside of you actually is. Pregnancy is truly a gift from Heaven and it is a part of my life I will cherish forever.

Blessings in Disguise

“Blessings” by Laura Story

We pray for blessings 
We pray for peace 
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep 
We pray for healing, for prosperity 
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering 
All the while, You hear each spoken need 
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things 

(Chorus)
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops 
What if Your healing comes through tears 
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near 
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise 

We pray for wisdom 
Your voice to hear 
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near 
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love 
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough 
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea 
And long that we'd have faith to believe 

Chorus

When friends betray us 
When darkness seems to win 
We know the pain reminds this heart 
That this is not, this is not our home 

Chorus

What if my greatest disappointments 
Or the aching of this life 
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy 
What if trials of this life 
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights 
Are your mercies in disguise

I heard this song on the way to work this morning and was almost in tears. I have heard it multiple times, but the words really jumped out at me today. We are so busy in lives worrying from one day to the next, one hour to the next that we don’t stop and listen, we don’t stop and think what if these little things in life we think are obstacles are really God’s blessings in disguise. Like the cliché saying, “God closes one door and opens another.” If we stay positive and look beyond the negative, maybe we would see God’s blessings a little clearer. We wouldn’t question Him. We wouldn’t worry or fear as much.

My husband and I have gone through our struggles and are hopefully nearing the end of them. Sometimes we both lose our faith, if only for just a second, and begin  to think why is this happening? Why is God letting this happen to us? And then I stop and remember “God does everything for a reason”. It may not be what we hoped for, what we prayed for, but God knows what He is doing. He can see our future, farther into our lives than we can. He knows exactly what is best for us. I pray for more understanding of why things happen, but sometimes they are just not meant to be. Sometimes we don’t have to understand. Sometimes what we pray for isn’t what God has intended. I have to remember that sometimes, especially when things don’t go my way. What God does for us, should be enough.

We need to stop trying to change the things God has in mind for us. Instead, we need to trust and believe in Him more. God wants us to trust in Him, stop trying to run our own lives. I want to let go of struggling and trying to fix things and let Him take over. He knows what is best for us and only wants us to trust in Him. I know I will live a happier life if I just hand it all over to Him and surrender, let God take control.

New Year's Resolution

My New Year’s resolution this year is to be more care free. To not worry so much, basically to not give a damn about the little things, the things I cannot change and about the things that do not directly affect me. Also to forget the past.

I worry too much about the future, I dwell on the past, about the “what would have happened if I would have did this” or I shouldn't have done that or I regret that. I don’t live and focus on the present like I should. I cannot change the things in the past. I know this and I still continue to relive those moments. I've made mistakes, lots of them, but they have made me who I am today and I should just accept that. I should be grateful for all of those small moments that have taught me some of life’s greatest lessons. I don’t want to grow old and be so worried about every little thing. I need to sit back, relax and enjoy life. Enjoy those around me, the ones I love, forget the ones who don’t treat me right and move on. Life is too short to worry so darn much. I would be so much more stress free and less tense if I let go a little, just lived in the present, in the moment at that exact time. I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I don’t want to worry about the future so much (hard to do with small children), but I would like to take each day at a time. You never know what is going to happen each day, hour, minute or second, why worry? Take each day God has given me and live it to the fullest, like there’s no tomorrow. I feel like the majority of my life is consumed with how we are going to make it to the next day, the next week, the next paycheck. Life happens. There are so many less fortunate people in the world and I should be grateful for what we have. Others have to worry about so much more, I should be grateful. I want to be happier for my children. I want to be stress free for them and my husband. That is why I am letting go and letting God. If I trust in Him and let Him handle our future, trust in Him to help me let go of the past and to just focus on the present, I will be a much happier person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc.

I am ready for this New Year and what joy and happiness it will bring our family. I am ready to be happier and more care free! I am ready to live in the present and just enjoy life!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Almost 32 Weeks

Going on 32 weeks pregnant with Baby C. I don't know how much farther my tummy will be able to grow, but it always seems to find a way. I feel at any moment it will explode. She is weighing approximately 4lbs 2oz (2 weeks ahead of schedule)!! Other than that, I feel great! This has been the best pregnancy by far. I believe most of it has to do with the workout routine I have kept up with. Out of the three, this pregnancy I have kept my fitness level up the most. I am still doing Insanity (insane I know), but I take it easy, I modify some of the things I can't do, rest when I need to, drink tons of water and breathe. I do it because I love how I feel afterwards and during. I do it because I want to be healthy for my unborn baby and my family. I don't take pregnancy as a handicap. I'm pregnant, not disabled. I have learned this the hard way from my past two pregnancies. I now know what I am fully capable of doing while pregnant but I also know my limits. I'm really not looking forward to having to take off for 6 weeks-post c-section to recover, as I know I will lost quite a bit of muscle but it is all worth it and what I need. Hoping some of this muscle I still have will stick around.

A part of me is so ready for Baby C to be here; a part of me is so nervous and scared. My husband is starting nursing school in a few weeks and will continue to work. I will have 6 weeks maternity leave. I know he will help when he can and family will be able to help some, but having three kids to myself (one newborn) while recovering from a c-section really doesn't sound all appealing right now. Actually, it scares the living daylights out of me. And I know I will cherish every moment of it. While looking forward to nap times and bed times (with the older two).

 

30 weeks

 

31 weeks

We are so ready to meet the little bundle of joy tucked away in my belly. It will be here before we know it!

Happy Birthday, My Sweet Baby Girl

Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl. You have brightened our lives with so much joy, happiness, laughter, tears and love. Three years ago, you were so small and fragile and I didn’t know how much you would change my life. I couldn’t comprehend how much joy such a small human being could bring to my life. I never understood how much a mother could love their child until I had you. Three years ago, you fit perfectly on my chest as you slept. You were so helpless and looked up at me with those big dark eyes. Now you sleep in your big girl bed, in your big girl panties (with no diaper-you are so proud of yourself and so are we) ;). When you stand, you are up past my hips and still look up at me with your now hazel eyes. I hope and pray you will always look up to me. I hope to be the role model you need; I hope to never let you down. It amazes me to see how ambitious, independent and smart you are at only 3 years old. I know you will grow up to be a strong, intelligent, courageous, beautiful woman. It brings a mixture of emotions to my heart to watch you grow up. I want so bad for you to be my baby girl, who needs me to do everything for you, but as I watch you grow into the little independent girl that you are, I know you need to do some things on your own because that is just who you are. I am so proud of the little girl you have become, though you are only three years old (almost-2days!!), you seem so much older. Sometimes I have to stop myself and say, “She is only 3.” I love that you still want to be held and carried sometimes; you don’t know how happy this makes me. Tonight you asked me to sing you the lullaby song and I wanted to cry. I love the little moments like these we have together, just you and me. I hold them so very close to my heart and will cherish them forever. I pray you will always have time to spend with me and hope you will want to. Don’t grow up too fast for your momma’s sake. 

You will forever be my baby girl. I love you with all of my heart and to the moon and back times infinity, baby girl. 

Love,

Mommy