Our family of 5 will be complete

Last week, I read another mom’s blog about The Ache. In Which I am Learning To Live With The Ache. by Sarah Bessey and I love her for it. I agree with everything she wrote 100%. http://www.mops.org/in-which-i-am-learning-to-live-with-the-ache

My husband and I have been talking for several weeks now about not having any more children. Baby C will be our last baby. The thought of it makes me hurt sometimes. Putting it down on paper, makes me feel so guilty. But then again, we know it is what is best for our family. Like Sarah said, the thought of never carrying a child within me, never nursing a sweet baby (of course after Baby C is done breastfeeding), never smelling the sweet smell only a newborn has, the ever so cute gummy smiles (my absolute favorite), those sleepless nights, a newborn falling asleep on your chest because that is the only way he or she will sleep well, getting up multiple times a night to feed, all of these things and SO many more, I will truly miss. Yes, even those sleepless nights. I love being pregnant, feeling the kicks and punches from the inside, being so uncomfortable you are just ready to get the baby out of you feeling will forever be missed. It brings tears to my eyes that these will be the last of the newborn treasures. BUT I cherish all of the milestones our children have hit and look forward to all of the future ones. It is so incredibly bittersweet. I absolutely love watching my children grow and become more independent. We are able to carry on a conversation with our oldest and it feels like yesterday she fit perfectly in my arms or on my chest. I love the age my two now are at, but I miss them being babies, needing their mommy 24/7. We both look forward to starting a new “journey” in our life. No more babies for us. Our family of 5 will be complete.

A part of me feels selfish for doing this. But we talked and we would be selfish if we had more. All you moms and dads know just how expensive children are and heaven knows we are not wealthy. Stopping at 3 is just what is best. We know we will be able to provide a better life for the 3 of them. I know one doesn't seem to make much difference, but it really does.

Another reason I feel selfish and guilty is because I am so ready to have my body back. Like I said before I love being pregnant, it brings on a different feel of sexy, but I have been pregnant for about 28 months in the last 4 years (48 months) 2010-2014. Yes, I know we did this all on our own. But it has been a repeating cycle: pregnant, breastfeed, get pregnant, breastfeed, etc, etc. I want to enjoy my body. I want to work hard for my body and my muscles and be able to keep them. My favorite thing to do (besides spending time with my family) is to run and work out. Don’t get me wrong I have still been doing that during this pregnancy but it is just not the same when you’re pregnant. Sometimes I feel like all of my hard work is for nothing. I see little improvement in my legs and arms and I know I am healthy and fit (for a preggo) but I want to see my ab muscles, the definition, feel the burn from an amazing workout, and the soreness the next two days, the accomplishment of completing an intense workout because let's face it at 36 weeks pregnant your workouts are not extremely strenuous. I want to get lean and fit and stay that way. I want to be able to train for races and not have to worry about getting pregnant (it has happened twice so far). I want to work towards a six pack that I have never had before. I want to be fitter than I ever have been in my life. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish, mark of my list that I really haven't been able to do with three back to back pregnancies. My husband told me I wasn't being selfish for thinking this way and I try to tell myself I’m not. But that little bit of doubt is just eating away at me. I hope one day I’ll be able to see it differently.

We know this is what our family needs. I just hope The Ache will one day get easier.