a little something more

I have never been one to write (because I don’t feel like I’m good at it) so sorry if this doesn’t run together like a true writer’s should or it doesn’t “sound right”, but lately I have felt the need. I feel the need to get my thoughts on paper; to see them and not just hear them.
 

A part of me, feels like a horrible mother for being so concerned with my weight while being pregnant. The other part of me, only feels human. My latest post, about my eating disorder was probably the bravest thing I have done. I think I have only told my husband about who I really used to be, at least the small details of it all. There are some family and friends who know I used to have an eating disorder but not to that extreme. After hearing Heidi Powell come out with her eating disorder, it gave me a lot of confidence to do the same. For people to hear it from some average girl they went to high school, the girl next door, the girl they go running with on the weekends, the family member they see on almost a day-to-day basis. I want people to know that it can happen in the blink of an eye. I want mothers and mothers-to-be to be aware of their daughters feelings, of their insecurities AND their sons. Eating disorders don’t just happen to women. Eating disorders happen to the most popular girl in school, to the book nerd who sits alone at lunch, to the goofiest person you know; they can happen to anyone. For so long, people thought of eating disorders as something that you have control over, something people choose to do. Yes, you choose to stop eating in the first place, but once it takes over your mind, there is no turning back. It is a disease; something to be taken serious because it is fatal. It can ruin your life. I chose to overcome my eating disorder. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t happen overnight. And it hasn’t completely disappeared. I chose to start living a healthy life.

I became pregnant with my first child and gained a lot of weight. I think I had the mentality all wrong of eating for two. I had my daughter and started getting back in shape. I got down to almost my pre-pregnancy weight and was pregnant again when she was only 9 months old. With my second, I was sick for 17 weeks. Couldn’t keep anything down and therefore didn’t gain as much weight as I did with my first. After I had my son, the weight started shedding off so quick I had no idea where it was going. I did breastfeed both babies, my first for 6 months and my second for a year. I got down to my high school (healthy) weight pretty quick after my second. I was working extremely hard in the gym and the kitchen to get all of my baby weight off. And I did it! All of my hard work had paid off.  My husband and I had been going back and forth about having a third child. He really wanted another one and I didn’t-I did in the future but about 4 years later than he did. We had finally come to a decision that we would wait (so that our kids were older more independent, we were financially stable) when we found out I was pregnant. I cried. I cried for two hours. I cried because I wasn’t ready. I cried because I didn’t want all of my hard work to go down the drain and because our children are so young that we would be having another baby! THREE babies. I just was not ready. End of story. This pregnancy has been the hardest for me. I know it’s because of my weight. But I have to overcome it. A dear friend reminded me “Give Him all your worries, your fears and He will calm your soul. It will all be okay. Find joy in this and in this moment in your life. He is trusting you to bring a child into this world and THAT is a privilege.” Words I needed to hear today. Words that cut like a knife, but words that opened my eyes to see the big picture. God has given me a miracle and I need to embrace that. I need to embrace all of the curves and stretch marks that pregnancy throws my way. As Samantha Harris said, “Instead of worrying about losing my figure, I need to embrace this beautiful time. I have the rest of my life to get in shape, right?”