What If...

My husband and I were talking the other day about what ifs...What if we would have waited to have children? What if we would have done this differently? And that differently?

We didn't wait to have children. Baby girl (my first) came along right after we got married. We didn't get a chance to travel. A chance to be newlyweds. We were still in college. Still babies ourselves. I had just turned 21. Most people would call us crazy. So many people want to wait years before they have children; to be able to travel the world, settle into a real job, graduate college, maybe go for their masters or an even higher education.

This is what I told my husband, "I never once regret having baby girl so soon. I wouldn't take it back for all of the late nights out with friends, parties and whatever else it is people do nowadays. She changed me, she changed my world and for that I could never wish anything different. My only regret is that we didn't have a chance to become financially stable (kids are expensive). I wish we would have had a few more months of just us-just to get to know each other better before we added a baby into the mix, I would have liked to go on a few vacations, but those don't really matter." He was silent and I started to think maybe I sounded selfish. But then again, I am only human. Then he said, "I completely agree with you."

Having our children so soon has often made me wonder what if...

But then I think of how they make me feel. How they make me feel like a I am supermom. How they warm my heart on the crappiest days. I think of their sweet laughs and precious smiles. Of all of the hugs and kisses I receive each day. The looks they give me when they don't get their way. When they bring me a book to read and snuggle up with me on the couch. I could go on and on. I wouldn't trade my sweet angels for one late night out. I think I've said it before but they have honestly changed me, beyond what I could have ever imagined. God blessed me with my two beautiful children AND one on the way. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I.am.ready

I AM READY. I am so ready for baby C to get here. I’m ready to smell the sweet breath of a newborn. I’m ready to hold her in my arms. To see which sibling she will look like (although I have a feeling she will be my daughter’s mini-me). I’m ready for baby C with our family and friends. Typing this right now with a huge smile on my face, just thinking of my family growing once more.

Although I am only 25 weeks along (I know I have a long way to go lol) I cannot wait until the day my husband and I go to the hospital, check-in, prep for a third c-section and patiently wait for the arrival of our third precious baby. My heart is filled with so much joy just thinking about it. Some people may think I am crazy wanting her to come now with two little ones at home, but I believe God made me to have children.

I believe He created me, brought my husband and I together to have children (and beautiful ones at that ;)). Being a mother, is just something that feels right to me. I may screw up, I make mistakes, I get upset with my children, I want “me time” sometimes, but only because I’m human. Being a mother is something I feel came natural to me. I always knew I wanted to have children, that I wanted a big family. Now that it is happening, it feels like a fairytale. I have been blessed with two beautiful children. they are happy and healthy; now don’t get me wrong, they are nowhere near perfect, but they are perfect for this mama.

This is a short post, but I just had to tell someone how overjoyed I am of bringing another sweet angel into our family. That day cannot come soon enough.

Post-Partum Depression

Three words I never thought would come out of my mouth. Three scary words. I never thought I had to worry about postpartum depression. I thought the least that could happen were the all so common “baby blues” so many women get with all of our raging hormones after having a baby. Let’s face it, they are raging. But sometimes those “baby blues” don’t go away after a few days. You don’t feel right, like yourself. Post-partum depression affects women in all different kinds of ways. It is not the same for every woman. 

I went back to work 4 weeks after having my baby boy (my second child & c-section). Way too soon if you ask me. I did it because I had to, for my family. That’s when I really noticed I wasn’t right. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to get up in the morning, I felt like I had no purpose. But most of all my anxiety was constantly overbearing all of my thoughts. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Death is all I thought about. I was scared my son would stop breathing in his sleep. Scared I might drop him and he may never take another breath. When my husband offered to take the kids off of my hands for an hour or so, I was too scared to let him go out of the house and in the car without me. Because I thought I am being selfish wanting time to myself, that something might happen to them, I would be punished for wanting time to myself, a car crash that would end their lives therefore ending mine too. So I never let him take them without me going with them. He never understood, but I never told him why. I never confessed that I was too scared that something might happen. I never let family take them for just a few hours so that Stephen (my husband) and I could have some alone time. I was scared no one would take care of them the way I do. That someone might crash into them and kill them instantly. I never wanted my children out of my sight. EVER.

I never told anyone. For months I never told anyone what was going on. The biggest mistake I made. I was too ashamed and embarrassed people would see me as weak, as a sissy. I was worried of the judgment I would receive. Of the thoughts and looks I might get or how people would treat me differently. It would be what was expected from a mother of one child already. “She knows what to expect, she can’t be going through post-partum depression.” And so many other things that went through my head. I did however finally confess to my doctor. She acted completely normal. Which shocked me because who gets post-partum depression? Only sissys do. SO NOT TRUE. She told me how normal it was AND in my circumstances it didn’t surprise her (we had a lot going on at that time). She prescribed me to get out and exercise and sunshine. I tried for about a month with her prescription and no change. Fearfully and dreadfully, I went back. I told her I tried my best and no changes. She then prescribed me medication. I tried that and it didn’t work. So I went back, bound and determined I would get over this, one way or another. I was suffering deep down. I wanted to enjoy my life. I wanted to enjoy the sweet moments of my newborn and my beautiful daughter, who was ecstatic about her baby brother. Finally, a prescription that worked. It took about a month for me to see any change, but it worked. 

I still hadn’t told my husband what was going on. He’s a big tough guy who thinks a pat on the back will make everything better. And for some that method does work, but not for me. He found my prescription I had been hiding because I was SO embarrassed and ashamed and thought he would think so little of me. He was mad. Not mad that I had to take something to make me better, but mad because I couldn’t confide in him. Which I should have done. I should have told the one person I share everything with. He did ask, “This is not something you can just suck up?” At those last two words, I burst into tears. The one question I had been dreading all of this time. It’s something he couldn’t understand. And now I truly believe it’s something no one will ever understand until they have gone through it. I tried explaining to him how I felt every single day, how I was terrified of him running up to the grocery store (less than 5 miles away) with both children, out of fear something might happen to them. I still don’t think he understands, not fully. 

The medication worked. I was back to myself. I was the old Morgan again. I remember the feeling of a weight being lifted off of me. The liberating feeling of “being free” again of all of the crazy thoughts and worries. So I stopped taking my medicine. I acted as a doctor. I started feeling the same way again. I don’t know what to do now, now that I’m pregnant with our third. I don’t want to take any medication regardless of the studies being done that say it’s ok to take it. I’m worried I’ll do harm to our unborn daughter all because I can’t be happy. This, I haven’t told my husband either. I don’t want him to worry about me when we have so many other things to worry about. I am making the best of things and when those old thoughts come to my mind, I do my best to push them out any way I can. 

I am writing this to warn all women expecting, it can happen. You may think “it can’t happen to me!”. But boy oh boy can it happen and it happens in an instant. So watch for the signs (every woman’s may be different), TALK to your loved ones, TALK to your doctor, get out in the sunshine, go for a walk, take a deep breath and know that you’re not alone and this to shall pass. Having children is not all hunky dorie, rainbows and pots of gold. It takes a lot of hard work without having PPD. You can get through it. Don’t give up and keep trying for that sweet baby of yours. They are so incredibly worth it. 

This may seem a little blunt and maybe too honest, but I don't think it does anyone any good sugar coating or lying. Post-partum depression is something serious and I don't want to be the one to make it seem like a rainbows and unicorns. I'm not perfect and I don't want to pretend I am. I'm no doctor and am in now way telling you how to cure PPD. I wanted to share my experience. I thought I was the only one in the world going through it. I hope being able to read one's confession can put you at ease (somewhat).